[good morning, life.]

i
am in the mood for CHANGE.

it's in the air.
there's a new wind, a new taste, new smell, new feeling.
the whole world is changing, so why wouldn't i take advantage of the moment and change myself.

i'm going to be different. i've already made the first few steps, and it's exciting.

i've realized,
my God loves me unconditionally
and for some odd reason, that is what inspires me to strive for perfection.

ironic, isn't it?

i've accepted i will never be perfect. it's just a fact.
but i have committed my life to getting as close as  i can.
i'm so, so far away. but that's not depressing or discouraging at all.

yeah i'm still confused about a whole lot of things,
and no i'm still not reading the Word as often or as much as i should,
but i have this burning desire to become like a person i never met.

i want to fall in love with Him.

and thats' what i'll be working on.
i'm done here. go to this place if you like. i'll start it soon:
http://www.xanga.com/justrememberdarling

for now,
au revoir, les amis.

may God open your eyes to the blessings He's already given you.

"Grown-ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters. They never ask: "What does his voice sound like?" "What games does he like best?" "Does he collect butterflies?".
They ask: "How old is he?" "How many brothers does he have?" "How much does he weigh?" "How much money does his father make?"
Only then do they think they know him.
If you tell grown-ups, "I saw a beautiful red brick house, with geraniums at the windows and doves on the roof...," they won't be able to imagine such a house.
You have to tell them, "I saw a house worth a hundred thousand francs." Then they exclaim, "What a pretty house!""
-the Little Prince
---
it's one of those things grown ups decide without including the children on it.
then, after it's final, they tell the kids.
maybe the grown ups didn't have a say in the matter either.
either way, someone won't be very thrilled about the idea.
but it's decided, and so everyone will have to deal with it.

when presented with the idea, i felt like i was 10.
but when i was involved, asked opinions, and included in the decision making process, i sort of wished i was 10.
---
change
1.    to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone

we should embrace change. not battle it.
i've been thinking about it recently. i honestly don't have a problem with change.
it's kind of silly to have a problem with something you don't have a lot of control over.
i can't change the weather or how much money we make. but i can change myself, which is kind of...encouraging perhaps.
i'm not really sure of the word.

i want to do things like drink 8 glasses a day, stand up straight, cut my hair [i'm really gonna], write letters instead of e-mails, and go on long walks every day.
changes like that. simple ones that i can benefit from. changes that might make me feel better about myself. nothing wrong with them. and they're under my control.

but it's the changes that aren't under my control at all. not even really influenced by me. the ones i just have to except, ride with, go-with-the-flow type of thing.
it doesn't matter if i like it. it doesn't really matter what i think about it at all. so now another decision comes up that i get to make, and that is how i react.
or adjust, or whatever. i get to decide that. but this decision, as appose to if i cut my bangs or not, this ones effects other people. so i better be careful about it.
---
if you were to open my closet door in my room, a white wall would be facing you. and on this white wall are scribbled drawings, quotes, versus and words.
i'm actually not entirely sure what all it says to be honest. i wrote it all 2 or 3 years ago.
but i like it being there. it's kind of comforting.
i like this room. it has memories. i've been here for a long time. i'm settled.
but i know this isn't where i'm supposed to stay.
and i knew that, of course. i mean, eventually someday i'll marry and i'll move in with my wonderful darling of a husband and we'll live happily ever after. that's what i think of when i think of moving out. but i didn't expect to really move or change locations any sooner then that.

i freaking love this place honestly. the woods in my backyard? that's one of my favorite places on earth.
i never get sick of looking out the window.
i've been here since i was 8 years old. i really pretty much did all my growing up here.
everything significant and worth telling the grandkids about so far, has happened here.
but there are different chapters and all the jazz. if the entire movie was filmed in one place, it would get pretty boring i suppose.
---
anyway. as much as i'm not gonna like it, i ain't gonna whine about it.
---
so this book i'm reading, blue like jazz, i really am enjoying it. i don't think it's changing the way i think, because i'm not that easily influenced, but i think it's expanding the way i think. it's opening my mind up. the writer is taking questions i've been asking myself and answering them. and no, i don't beleive everything he says and think it's alright, but it's like having a good conversation with a wiser person. he's sharing his point of view. sharing lessons he's learned from his experiences. and talking about how God has moved in his life personally.

and the way he writes is perfect for me. it doesn't overwhelm me with big words and references. like i said, it's like talking to someone. or reading their blog.
something casual, but not meaningless. not in the least.
---
tomorrow [which will be today. i'm writing this at 11pm on tuesday night, but i won't post it till tomorrow],
i'm going to clean out my closet, iron ALL of the clothes, remove my toe nail polish, research canon cameras, call the darn screen printers, and double check that sticker order.

oh yes, i'm getting 250 Brightest Designs stickers made.
they'll be pocket sized,
but the point is not to keep them in your pocket.
i'll be selling them for a $1 each and the money will go towards a new computer graphics program,
which i am in need of.
i had a copy of it, but it wasn't a legal copy. and i didn't feel right at all about making money with something i didn't pay for. so i'm going to by my own copy with my own, hard earned money.
but if for some reason you can't afford to spend $1 on a sticker, then i'll just give you one.
because you'll be helping me either way. i just want people to have them.
you can put them on cars, laptops, guitar cases, or whatever.
just as long as people can see it. you'll basically be my walking billboard.
i would so appreciate the support. seriously. the support i've gotten already is pretty outstanding.
so, if you want one [or 5], reserve it. tell me now, so i can set it aside because i'll be getting rid of them fast.
here's what they look like.



lovely, eh? not really, but it gets the word out. so get at me and say you want it. when i'm rich and famous, i'll get Brightest Designs t-shirts made.

and oohhhh i just came up with like 3 other things i have to do tomorrow. so i'm going to sleep now.
---
change is alright. vulnerability is not a weakness. everybody has a flaw that makes them perfect.
repeat these things to yourself, kylin.

"i don't care what people say. i don't let it effect me."

i've heard people say that kind of thing. and, duh, you probably have, too.
actually, i've probably said it before. but i wouldn't say it now. i don't think it's right.

see, i know it's usually taken as "i can stand up for myself." or "i'm comfortable and confident."
or "i'm not easily influenced by what people simply think of me." which is fine i suppose. those are all well and good things.
but.
to truly not give a crap about what people say out loud to you? that's not right at all. in fact, i think it's rather wrong.

i think that God puts people in our lives, people with brains and mouths, so that they can help us grow.
they tell us something, usually unpleasant, about us that maybe we can't see, but they can. so, if they're honest, they'll say something.
and we should take that into consideration at least. i don't think, just because somebody else said it, and we may not believe it,
we should at least absorb it. it's rare someone is truly honest about someone else. so, when they are, i think it's something to really be take to heart.

i care what people say and think about me.
i honestly do.
it matters to me. a lot. my reputation is very important to me, and how other people take me is important. what people think of me in general, how people talk about me;
i'd like it all to be fairly pleasant. and if not, hopefully i am around honest critics that will speak up.

i think God can speak through the people around us to help us grow in to what He wants us to eventually become. so why would we ignore that? thinking that we're being confident. it just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
---
it's a ridiculous hour to be wide awake at. i'm at the house that i babysit at twice a week. the children are slowly waking up, and their father is walking around rather aimlessly.
sort of at a loss without the mother, who is already at work.

the plan was for me to babysit today, as i did yesterday. i'd spent the night in south Terre Haute just so i could be here this early. but last night, the above mentioned father decided he wanted to spend time with his children today, and that my services weren't needed.

uhg. then i could have gone home if i had known that earlier.

but, at least i don't have to be here all day. i just have to wait till the children are fed and dressed, as well as their dad, who will drive me home sometime before noon.

except at this rate, i don't have any hopes.

normally, i'd be helping. but they seem to like to take there time and i'd really rather stay out of the way.
and considering i'm not being paid for today, i'm not expected to do anything. so it's all good.

they don't have any wireless connection at their house, because the grown ups are at work all week with connection there, so why would they need it at home if no one is ever at home. honestly, the only time the children are at their own house is when i babysit, or on the weekends. that's only 4 days out of the week. and that's just in the summer. the other days of the week, they're at their grandparents house.
---
i like being home.
i like my house, i feel comfortable and safe there; i just don't mind being at my house. i love it, actually.
i've been invited to things, and i pick staying at my house over that.
sometimes i'd just rather spend an evening in my pajamas doing laundry or making cookies and watching a movie all by myself.
i enjoy that.
that, to me, is relaxing and fun. some people don't understand that. they think of their home is a last resort, or a prison or something dramatic like that.
---
i made my screen saver a picture slide show.
and i have a love/hate relationship with it.
---
i left my book, Blue Like Jazz, at the Heaths where i stayed the night. it's rather depressing because when i'm sitting alone for a long period of time, books keep me sane.
not that i'm bothered with sitting alone, i don't mind it at all. i can keep myself so distracted and busy it's scary sometimes how entertained i can be.

there's a sheet of paper with half of a dozen or so sketches of t-shirts on them. i'm getting very used to drawing the basic shape of a shirt. it's hard then it looks.
4 tshirt designs have to be ready by monday. the only thing i have to do is get them from my head, to paper, to the computer screen.
it shouldn't be that difficult.
---
i've now been here for an hour. i'm completely ready to leave. Dora is on the televisions up stairs. i have a feeling no one is in a hurry to take the unneeded kylin home.
---
i'm having trouble excepting the fact that it's august.
this is when summer hit's a crescendo. the sunny momentum starts slowing down and descending down hill.
the THCHE picnic is this saturday. that's pretty much the first sign that this is the beginning of the end. the second is when your just-graduated friends start leaving for college to set up their dorm rooms before classes. the third is when you keep seeing commercials for school supplies, and every clothing store has back-to-school savings.
the fourth sign is when all your public schooled or college friends start school.
and the fifth, and final one of me personally, is this thing called the Little Italy Parade,which is the kick off of the Little Italy festival. it happens ever labor day weekend.
i'm sure i've mentioned it before.
it's pretty much the biggest thing in Clinton, and it's lame, unless you've been coming to it all your life like i have, and my parents have.
but, despite it's cheap floats and the same high school band, and the overpriced deep fried everythings, and the slap-together rides [all 3 of them], it is tradition.
and one that i love.
it's also closure for summer, and that makes it special. after that is when autumn officially begins for me in my mind.
---
yesterday, while the kids were watching a movie, i went through and organized everything on this lap top.
it felt wonderful.
i also changed the folder names like My Pictures, My Music and My Videos into Photographs, Sounds, and Visuals.
i like that better.
---
i've been typing for an hour and a half.
i didn't know i could spend this much time on a post.
i suppose it's because i'm using word pad, not xanga.
so i'm not worried about the internet crashing on me and ruining a post and realizing it was all a waste of time.
---
i really hate it when i'm editing a photo, and i save over it. that's just one of the most frustrating things i can experience daily.
---
i'm going to go head to the truck to leave. [thank heavens.]
i'll type more perhaps when i get home.
---
i'm home.

and, while getting my laptop battery out of my bag, i found the book i could have been reading on that 40 minute car ride. uhg. i didn't leave it at the heath's house after all.
---
i'm not sure what i'm gonne do today exactly, aside from work. but it's NOT GONNA BE BABYSITTING

---
"i'd trade all of my knowledge to keep my friends.
i'm content with staying an idiot."
---
i don't like missing.

not missing as in you're left out of something, or you forgot an event or a tv show; but missing as in you can't believe that person, that event, that feeling is gone. it's removed from your life, and maybe you want it back? or maybe you're trying to forget it because deep down you know it's for the best that 'it' is gone.

maybe the feeling of missing is a mix. a mix of, for example, regret, sadness, loneliness... but all the while, it's the process of trying to forget, or be content with the way things are now; with that 'thing' removed or erased.

there are so many ways you can miss something.
someone close to you has died, or you're forbidden to see them again, or the connection just faded out, and it was over before you realized it.
you can miss feelings. you remember when you felt a certain way for someone, or the feeling of being happy or peaceful or motivated.
or you can miss moments or times. like, maybe if last summer was amazing and carefree, you miss feeling like that. maybe sometimes you wish you could bring it all back and have everything go that way again, but you are content with the memories of the moments.

the reason i don't really enjoy these states of minds is that it is, to some extent, painful. it's not fun to want something you can't have, or to try to get used to living without something, or except the fact that something that meant a lot to you now shouldn't mean anything. i have been so blessed as to not have a close person to me pass away, or  have a very important relationship end, and such.

but, i have felt those small feelings such as regretting that you let yourself get close to something temporary, or not spending as much time as you could have with someone before it became impractical. or realizing a friendship slowly faded out and now it's over.
the lack of closure really sucks, too.

BUT. it's the memories we hold onto that help us deal with whatever sadness we may have.

and, duh, i'm not speaking from experience or extensive study on human behavior, i just base opinions on what little i've gone through and the backstage observation of the people around me. i'm not saying things expecting people to listen and understand and agree, i simply state what's on my mind about the angle i happened to see at the time.

i'm sorry. my thoughts are rarely sorted out. and never make sense. i haven't had enough sleep and i haven't showered in awhile. i'm pretty scatter brained. but wonderfully happy and content. good combination, perhaps.
if ignorance is bliss, than i'm in heaven.
---
i don't like being missed either. although it's somewhat flattering at times, it makes me feel guilty.
---
anyway.
---
there's a boy that i've taken quite a fancy to.
he's kind of short, which normally i wouldn't go for, but i dig him.
he's got dark hair, bright eyes, and he looks at me like i'm the coolest thing, and then smiles. it really just warms my heart. i have the deepest, strongest love for him. he cries when i don't give him attention, and loves me to hold him.
i wish i could see him more often, even though i do every single day. it never seems enough. he seems to change every time i look at him.

his name is jacob allen mcleish. i love him.
---
there are so many movies i want to see. transformers is at the top of the list.
---
i'm looking forward to autumn. i can't wait to look back on this summer and smile at all the memories.
i can't wait for the songs on mixed tapes to remind me of moments.
this year will be treasured.
---
work=good.

i'm just about to get 50 shirts printed for a band with myyyy design on it. they'll be for sale. even if you don't like the band, you like me, so you'll buy one.

right?

i forget how smart people are, and how obvious you make things even thought you think you're being discrete. but people have eyes and ears and brains. yeah. i forget that.
---
there's a man that attends the fellowship i do. he's slow. mentally. but we always seem to have nice conversation because i'm sweet to him and i don't judge, and i'm patient while he tries to think about what to say. he's 27 and tall and gawky and walks over every sunday from the light house mission where he lives. i never paid too much special attention to him, but he has to me i guess.

apparently he's mistaken our friendship and he'll probably end up slightly confused. the worship leader, chad, is going to talk to him about leaving me alone. chad had caught it before i did. i'm glad someone was paying attention.

when i was leaving today, the above mentioned man, after a series of awkward acts during service to get my attention, followed me outside, said goodbye, and attempted to give me a large, bear hug. i can't imagine the look on my face, but i quickly stuck my right hand in his, shook it said "so long!" and turned and walked towards my waiting ride. he stood for a moment looking terribly wounded. i felt bad,  but...ehgahd. *shudders*

when i got in the van, dad, who had been watching, said "smooth, kylin."

it's kind of a buzzkill because i feel really comfortable there on sundays, so i really didn't want anything to ruin it. but, psh. i can deal with it. the other people there are cool and chad is protective and smart. it's all good.
---
i've never told anyone i have a boyfriend before, because i really can't stand myself if i lie. i just can't do it. but i do tell people that "i'm not available". which is true, even though what i mean is "i'm not available to -you-. i'm waiting for the one, and you're not him." i've also said really cliche stuff like "i'm not looking for a relationship right now, but friendship would be nice." even though it's dumb, that seems to work out the best. it doesn't devastate them as much.

thank goodness i haven't had to use these 'lines' too many times.
not -too- many.
---
i'm going over to my grandparents this afternoon to get some work done. i need to get some actual drawing done to scan into the computer. i don't have the patience or the time when i'm home. either that, or i just work on photoshop. but hopefully it'll be a productive afternoon. 3 t-shirts and an album cover is just what i remember. i have a list somewhere around here. and i have to babysit tomorrow. [huzzah...]

tell me what you picture when you hear "Sacrifice to Survival". right now. do it.
---
i want to go see Brand New live in st. louis on october 21st. end of story.

God doesn't want us to keep any part of our lives a secret. we shouldn't be ashamed of anything. we shouldn't try to hide anything.

He doesn't want to be just honest. we think honest is saying what we think, but we should also show who we are.

i know that sounds very 'duh. of course. i knew that.' because i knew that, too, but it was told to me last night. [not directly, but i heard it.] and it hit me.

anyway. i felt like sharing.
---
i've done so much work over the last month or however long it's been, so it's way too much to upload it all. just trust me; it's going well. i'm keeping crazy busy. i'm never really -done-. there's always something to do, something to be done. i don't have free time, it's simply me taking time off.

if i didn't love doing it, i'd stop. but. i love it. so, i do it.
---
i babysit three little girls all day every mondays and tuesdays. i clean at the community center everyother mondays, sometimes weekends, plus unpredictable call-ins. then every spare moment, that i'm not doing housework, etc., i'm working. either sketching or computer work.

i feel bad because i don't have a lot of time to devote to friends. i cut phone calls short, and i space out in conversations. i'm learning to balance it all.
---
i go to a fellowship on sunday mornings that i love. it's where God wants me to be at this time. He's really been speaking to me and convicting me of a few things. i'm growing. change is good.
---
i'm really quite content these days. more then i've ever been in my entire life. it's nice not to worry, or stress. it's wonderful not to be pulled in different directions, or stretched too thin. i just hope people understand i'm not blowing them off, i'm just a little preoccupied right now.
---
i'm really, really sick of drama. all of it.
---
i'm reading the little prince. everyone should. i'm also going to start blue like jazz. a friend is lending it to me tomorrow. i've heard only good things about it and i'm curious enough to take it in for myself. even though i have absolutely no time for reading. it's sad. there's also at least 3 movies that i really, really want to see.

i have no time. i actually shouldn't even be spending time on this post right now. dinner needs served. i needed to update my dear friends, though.
---
i got an audition announcement today in the mail. four plays this season, beginning in august and going till may of next year. and you can bet i'll do my best to land a spot on stage. no doubt.
---
my summer has been so crazy cool so far. pretty much every weekend since the end of may, i've done something so amazing. mostly random and spontaneous, and just plane fun. it's been a blast and i'm looking forward to more. when autumn gets here, i'm gonna look back and smile for hours.

my friends are the coolest kids.

[this is my song, for the moment anyway.]

please sleep, my darling, sleep
your cry for inspiration
never reaches ears on distant stars

and every night our lonely planet
slides across the universe
and i won't pretend i understand.


[also, i don't know if they'll use this or not, but this is an idea they asked me to come up with.
it's for a girls shirt. it would be grey. i doodled that flower on a friend's hand this weekend with a sharpie.
i liked it so much i decided to use it sometime. i drew it a million times before i liked it again.

if they don't buy it, i'll take off their name and put the design up for sale.]



one last thing, i have a question i would really appreciate it if everyone gave their sixpence on;
what do you think of when you hear "third man down"? what is the first image that pops into your head?

tell me.

i got 2 new clients just today [Robert K. and ThirdManDown]. and one yesterday [Steffen Prentiss]. i really hate calling them 'client' because that sounds so coperate and that's exactly what i'm trying to avoid. so, yeah. if anyone has a better word, let me know. i can't just call them 'jobs' because one design is counted as one job. so, i could have several jobs for one client.

i can't call them costumers either because 1) that makes me think of a grocery store and 2) some of them [many of them] don't pay.

get out your dictionaries and such and give me some ideas. i'm too tired to do it.
---
i loved the fact that the photo i got to use included a jones soda bottle.
it made my day.


yep. not much to say about this.


i might switch this around and make it for robert k: [i sketched that. duh.]

if you looked up 'real beauty' in the dictionary,
you'd see this picture.

[mag, manda, sam, neeks, maria, lizzy, ky, kelso, becs.]